Ye Olde Limey Joke Page

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by limeytech, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    [​IMG]
     
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  2. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Fire Truck

    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Tylden firestation, when he noticed
    a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.
    The firefighter looked a little closer.
    The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
    cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
    to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
    collar, I think you could go faster.'

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right,
    but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
     
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  3. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  4. irish

    irish DSP Staff Member Administrator

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    I can neither confirm nor deny these effects...
     
  5. PassTheWeed

    PassTheWeed New Member

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    Ouch
     
  6. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
    "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
    The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
     
  7. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    [​IMG]
     
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  8. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    [​IMG]
     
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  9. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A lawyer is doing a 1/2 hour consultation on wills with a very sweet old lady. When the time is up, and the moment has arrived for money to change hands, the sweet old lady pops open her little purse and pulls out a crisp new $100 bill, passing it with a sweet smile to the lawyer.
    When the lawyer realizes that the woman has, by mistake, given him two $100 bills stuck together, he is presented with an ethical dilemma.
    Should he, or should he not…









    … tell his partner?
     
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  10. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A man goes to a lawyer's office and asks to speak to an attorney. After a few minutes wait, he's ushered into the office and says: "First things first. How much do you charge?"
    "$500 for 3 questions." the lawyer replies.
    "Isn't that awfully steep?" the man asks.
    "Yes." says the lawyer. "Now what's your 3rd question?
     
  11. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A duck buys a tube of Chapstick and tells the cashier "Put it on my bill"
     
  12. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    And bear goes into a bar and says to the bar man..'I'd like a pint of.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................lager please' and the barman says 'why the long pause'?
     
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  13. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    there are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can’t!
     
  14. JMaest

    JMaest Member

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    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
     
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  15. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Old lady goes to the doctor for a checkup. After doing the various tests, he asks her if she has any persistent medical problems. She tells him, "well, I probably shouldn't even bring this up since it really isn't a problem, but...I have constant gas. As a matter of fact, since you've been in this room with me, I've passed gas thirty or forty times, but you wouldn't know it because they're silent and they don't smell. This goes on every day, wherever I go, but like I said, it's not a problem because they're silent and they don't smell."
    "I see," the doctor says. "I'm going to write you a little prescription. Take these pills for a week and call me with the results."
    The old lady fills the prescription, takes the pills religiously, and calls the doctor the next week. "What was in those pills?" she screamed. "I still have the constant gas, but now it smells AWFUL. I can't even stay in the same room with myself!"
    "Oh, good, " the doctor says. "Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your little hearing problem
     
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  16. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    An ex-GF of mine once asked if I would stump up half of the cash for a boob-job.
    -I glanced up from the book I was reading, and asked if she'd tried the 'tissue-paper' trick.
    She seemed puzzled, so she asked what I was referring to.
    'Well..." I began, "what you do is take a piece of folded tissue paper, and rub it in the gap in between, once or perhaps twice a day, for a couple of years, and they just swell to in almost incredible size!"
    She seemed incredulous, so she asked me if it really worked.
    "Why not...?" I said, returning to my page, "...-It worked for your backside, didn't it?"
     
  17. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
     
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  18. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

    She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

    When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

    This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

    When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

    "That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat Ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

    The husband sighed. "Oh shit.... It's started."
     
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  19. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

    The Chief nodded in agreement.


    The official continued, 'Considering all these events where, in your opinion, did the white man go wrong?'

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that
     
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  20. rube

    rube DSP Legend Staff Member Administrator

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    last two were great
    although i think ive seem a variation of the indian one before
     

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