Ye Olde Limey Joke Page

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by limeytech, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. carolinabluedodger

    carolinabluedodger DSP Legend

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    A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
     
  2. irish

    irish DSP Staff Member Administrator

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    :rimshot:
     
  3. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
    As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
    In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
    And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
     
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  4. rube

    rube DSP Legend Staff Member Administrator

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    I knew it would end in obamacare
     
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  5. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  6. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  7. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  8. CapnTreee

    CapnTreee ...disgusted...

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    #2, #5 #9 but especially #15 appear lost on most of humanity
     
  9. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordan Ramsay's cooking show on telly.
    Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
    To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"
     
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  10. irish

    irish DSP Staff Member Administrator

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    :rofl:
     
  11. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

    GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

    RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

    GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

    RANCHER: That would be me.

    __
     
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  12. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    One evening, at an investment meeting, a young man spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
    “I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few months my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card — and 3 days later … she became his stepmother.
     
  13. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    There's a band called 1023 MB... they haven't had any gigs yet
     
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  14. CapnTreee

    CapnTreee ...disgusted...

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    damned embarrassed that I had to read that twice...
     
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  15. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Three little old ladies were enjoying an evening on the town, when suddenly they were accosted by a flasher. The first little old lady had a stroke! Then the second one had a stroke! But the third one refused to touch it.
     
  16. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
    She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
    Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
    Name, can you hear it?"
    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off ?
     
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  17. carolinabluedodger

    carolinabluedodger DSP Legend

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    What's the difference between a faggot and a freezer?




    A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
     
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  18. CapnTreee

    CapnTreee ...disgusted...

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    The Texan, The Irishman and the Beers

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.
    The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
     
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  19. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A man wakes up to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog."What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks."I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun."What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner."If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
     
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  20. rube

    rube DSP Legend Staff Member Administrator

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    Always gotta do r an d.
     
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