Ye Olde Limey Joke Page

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by limeytech, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    The government today announced that it is changing its symbol to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
     
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  2. irish

    irish DSP Staff Member Administrator

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    ^and always puts the squeeze on you
     
  3. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A roman walks into the bar and asks for a martinus. The bartender says "don't you mean martini?" and the roman replies "no, I only want one.
     
  4. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”​
     
  5. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A statistician, an engineer, and a physicist go hunting. Seeing their target, the physicist does some ballistic calculations assuming a vacuum, and his bullet falls 10 feet short. The engineer estimates a margin for air resistance and his bullet lands 10 feet long. The statistician yells "we got 'em!"
     
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  6. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A man walks into a bar with some jumper cables tossed over his shoulders. The bartender says, "you can stay in here, so long as you don't start anything."
     
  7. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A bloke brought a workmate of his home unannounced at 5:30PM one evening. -His wife was utterly furious, and began screaming at him while his friend looked on:

    "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not washed, I'm still in my pajamas and I'm not ready to cook anything tonight... -what the HELL did you bring him home for?"

    "Because he's thinking of getting married"
     
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  8. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Salesman knocks on the door of a nice middle-class home. The door opens and there stands a 6-year-old boy, cigar in one hand, martini in the other, clad only in tighty-whiteys and what appears to be a black lace bra.
    Behind him, two naked tattooed women are carefully laying out thick lines of cocaine on the coffee table.
    Shocked and amazed, the salesman can think only to ask: "Sonny, are your parents home??"
    To which the young gentleman replies: "What the fuck do you think
     
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  9. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    A Loving Text................ --
    A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.
    I love you!
    .......
    The husband, replied, "I am on the commode. Please advise."
     
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  10. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  11. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  12. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
    Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
    Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

    "Get away" she said, "they're for the funeral."
     
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  13. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    .A man is laying in the gutter, totally destitute. Lost his home. Lost his family and not a friend left in the world and as he lay there in self pity it starts to rain. The man cries out to the heavens "God!!! Why me??? Why me??? Why do you leave me in such misery???" Suddenly the rain stops. The clouds part and a golden ray of sunshine beams through, and God says with a booming voice, "Something about your face just pisses me off!"
     
  14. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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  15. CapnTreee

    CapnTreee ...disgusted...

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    Chris Rock simply nails some aspects of wives right on the head
     
  16. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Caveman standing by a dead Dinosaur. Another caveman said " did you kill that dinosaur?" Caveman said "Yeah, killed it with my club" Second caveman said " Bloody hell must have been a big club" Yeah said the first caveman 200 of us!!
     
  17. limeytech

    limeytech DSP Legend

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    Q: Why to Scotsmen wear kilts?

    A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
     
  18. CapnTreee

    CapnTreee ...disgusted...

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    Just heard this...

    Why is Justin Beiber so pale?


    There is no light in the closet...
     
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  19. irish

    irish DSP Staff Member Administrator

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    :laff:
     
  20. carolinabluedodger

    carolinabluedodger DSP Legend

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    A pirate walks into a bar with the ships wheel tucked into the front of his pants.

    "Arrrr, give me a beerrrrr!"

    Bartender - "Sure, no problem. But do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

    "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
     
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